Dems keep both House and Senate!
In what is being described as a “miracle on capitol hill” the Democrats retained control of both Congress and the Senate in yesterday’s election.
“The latest polls showed Democrats surging in all five swing states,” explained Nancy Pelosi, “but people didn’t hear about those polls. We knew, though. People all over the U.S.A. were coming around to a reasonable point of view. We knew we’d pull it off. I never had any doubt in my mind.” Pelosi retains the position of Speaker of the House, in defiance of every U.S. pundit and columnist. If she ever had any doubt that she could win, there’s no sign of that now. All over Democrats are singing the same tune: “I told you so”.
Crucial polls showing a late Democrat swing were ignored by both press and pollster alike. “If we saw late polling results favoring Democrats in one of the crucial states we made the decision not to report on it,” admitted an anonymous source at Reuters. “Those instructions came down from the top.”
“Friday afternoon, the day of the bomb scare, we were told to drop all of the election coverage and just do terror. Many of us felt that this wasn’t right, given the proximity to the election, so we had a newsroom revolt of sorts,” admits Anderson Cooper of CNN. “That political panel you saw on Parker Spitzer? That was thrown together in five minutes after their taping started – not bad, eh? Spitzer threatened to walk if he didn’t do some election coverage. I guess the guys at head office must like him.”
In fact, the thwarted “terrorist attack” is being credited for this political upset. All over the U.S.A., rookie candidates were firmly rejected in favor of the status quo. As one woman from Milwaukee put it: “We were so scared that everything would blow up – so you know, in those conditions, it’s better to go with the devil you know. Yeah, I was mad – but then I got more scared than mad and I realized, this is no time for a rookie in Congress.” Incumbents swept back in on a strong anti-rookie trend, thwarting the political dreams of the ultra right fringe.
Will this spell the end of the Tea Party? “No, I don’t think so,” muses a sartorial Wolf Blitzer. “The fringe element is here to stay. After all, this is the U.S.A. and there’s always a good dose of insanity here. It’s part of who we are.”
Democrats lost only a total of three congressional states nationwide, in what is being described as an unprecedented rejection of the predictions of polls and pundits alike.